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Wednesday, March 23, 2005

YELLOW: Young, youthful and really quite stupid 

Dolly has been horrible hasn't she - lazy and neglectful of her blog. After promises to write much, she deteriorated into a lazy mess all week while she was with her boy. The boy was glued to the computer for 5 straight days anyway, slaving over an MBA assignment so Dolly didn't have access to her beloved writing. (So she carried on the lolling about sofas and eating chocolate and grew very fat very quickly).

On her last day there, she watched a beautiful, simple Chinese movie with the boy about teenagers falling in love. It was nothing particularly special: the main story was a boy who was falling in love with a girl who eventually tells him she's gay. Dolly's boy sighed and said, "I wonder what that would be like? To fall in love with someone and find out they're gay". Dolly chuckled, and remembered the biggest high school crush she had on her best friend, who (oh, can't we guess? Gimme a break) came out to her in the most spectacular way over the phone on New Year's eve. She was crushed, entirely, and not only did she have to "cope" with the devastating news that this boy thought "naked women just sort of, well, looked like trees" and fancied boys instead, but she had to help him stay rather hidden in the closet and keep up the pretense that he was still snugly straight. Now, that's quite a lot for a 16-year-old to bother with, especially at a time when she should have just been experimenting with lipstick and boys bits.

Dolly told her boy all this the other night and it seemed so very silly all of a sudden, as with all teenage angst (Dolly would hate to be a teenager again - it was good for nothing but eating disorders and boarding school). But oh! It was terribly upsetting at the time and felt like the whole world. That thing about teenage years being the best part of your life - it's really about the masochistical pleasure you get out of self-created angst isn't it? Life isn't quite as exciting later when things are more settled! Oh wasn't it fun to be young and naive and stupidly self-absorbed? Well, Dolly would like to think all this makes for good stories now and later and has led to her being as adorable as she is today.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

BLACK: Exposed! 

There is something delicious and sultry about walking around only in your underwear. Isn't there? Dolly is unable to do this at home, because of something called Father, and because the unfortunate location of her house allows guests at a nearby hotel to look through their windows and see activity within. A shame really – it puts all the pretty La Senza clobber to waste.

The boy, however, is now living on his own since his flatmates moved out in January so while Dolly is here for the week, she spends as much time as she can wandering about in her underwear. She wants to add here that she doesn’t just do this for the boy, but also for herself and her own ego as she catches flattering glimpses of herself in the bathroom mirror.

Now then, she’s sure that some of you are wandering why even bother with the underwear… why not just be completely naked? Well: a chance, first of all, to flaunt all the new lingerie that she’s been furiously signing for on credit cards. Dolly finds a matching bra and thong set (in satin, in lace, in plain comfy cotton) much more sensuous, sensual and indulgent than being naked. Having softcosyslinkylaced fabric pressed snugly against your most sensitive bits, while the rest of you is naked, is a sensation in itself, you know. In visual terms, the knickers accentuate bits, she thinks, which is more flattering than just letting everything flop about (personally Dolly and her ego prefers seeing herself decorated than “neat”). Also, the thought that you’re sort of wearing something, when really you’re not wearing much at all, can be a bit of a turn on to yourself (and others). After all, you need to have something on for taking it off. And of course, with there being so much more skin exposed, your touch senses are on a much higher alert. Night air, sofa fabric, a boyfriend’s casual hug and the accidental brushes of your own fingertips against thighs are far more titillating when there are more skin receptacles exposed to feel it all.

So, well, Dolly is typing this in a black set, with the feelers all over her skin standing to attention against a slight chill of midnight air. It’s nothing risqué but cut and fitted just right to feel so nearly like a second skin. It’s almost like being naked, and as Dolly glances up from her laptop to catch her own near naked reflection in the balcony window feels rather a wave of frolicking and playtime. Too bad the boy’s asleep already.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

RED: Sex on the brain 

Dolly apologises for being so amiss with writing entries. She was badly striken with gastric last week and spent 5 days reeling around the putrid heat and haze of KL with stomach wrenchings and a persistent headache. Most days, when not spent trying to appease her clients over email (computer screens do little for migraines), she spent languishing on a sofa trying to quell the throbbing in her head.

All is back to normal now though. She has also, in her typical irresponsible way, run away from KL for a week to spend with the boy and, a library that has its archives in order (see, Dolly isn’t just all about play. She takes her job very seriously too!) For the moment, she is idling and spending much time being lazy and indolent again. The sudden shock of work over the past two months have tired and bored her so Dolly is out to play again now while she can.

Past three evenings have been spent sprawled on a sofa (legs dangling heavy over the sides, head lolling against makeshift pillows) watching American drivel on TV, the sort that stars Julia Roberts and Sandra Bullock, working her way through a large stock of Lindt chocolate. The low-carb diet that she’s been struggling hard to follow over recent weeks has been temporarily stalled. You know what they say about diets and depriving yourself: one day you lose control and gorge your face stupid. And so, in only two days, Dolly has devoured only starch: cereals, fried rice, huge tubes of pasta, eclairs, thick wedges of Turkish bread and chips. Time to shop too though typically, Dolly has arrived here just in time for the Autumn fashions – everything is wooly, brown and ugly which is bad news for the consumer fairy that dwells within her, but probably good news for most other financial reasons. Still, she managed to furrow out a miniskirt with tulle and a pair of pointy pink rubber shoes that smell like strawberry.

Dolly has also caught up on porn, which together with her more relaxed state of mind has led to a significant perking up of an insatiable sex drive and horny impulses. (And thank god, because the flurrying about between writing research, and the impending horizon of Tibetan monasteries had almost turned her chaste and celibate – and that would never do for Dolly Mixture). She anticipates that as she plays housewife again for the next 5 days,– washing dishes, doing the laundry – there shall be many orgasmic thoughts, and plenty of time to chronicle them. Stay tuned and turned on.

Monday, March 14, 2005

YELLOW: Things could always be worse 

Just as she thought things couldn't get worse (bad deadlines, arguments with librarians, gastric and a headache so potent even chocolate and sex couldn't cure it), Dolly got a ray of sunshine from her friend The Queen who told her about his new assignment.

On Tuesday, The Queen is off to a tiny town in Negri Sembilan, to give a workshop about newspapers to 433 9 to 12 year old Brownies from all over Malaysia. He shall have to leave home at 6 in the morning with a colleague who has incurably bad breath, drive down to the middle of nowhere and talk to 400 screaming young girls. And all this for a grand subsistence fee for going outstation - 22 whole ringgit.

See, things could always be worse.

Monday, March 07, 2005

WHITE: Weddings 

Dolly's cousin officially got married in October but the two schmancy dinners and traditional tea-ceremony thing only happened in the last two weeks.

Weddings are amusing for the spotlight they put on the single people. Oh, Poor Single People! At the tea ceremony, at which newly wedded bride and groom, splendid in traditional Chinese garb served tea to their elders, everybody asked Dolly when it would be her turn. She hissed under her breath and changed the subject. Then, when all the elders had had their bit of chai, the bride and groom got on the magic chairs and handed out red packets to their youngers, the unwed.

"It's a blessing," chuckled a friend, on seeing Dolly's cynical smirk. "You know, for the poor unwedded. You'll have to put it under your pillow every night."

A second bout of humiliation and shame, when the single girls were herded up like sheep into the lawn for the bride to throw her bouquet to. Dolly's cries of refusal went largely ignored and she was shepherded to the front of the group. "Quite awful," she thought, grimacing and trying to look everywhere but the flowers. "All the marrieds are looking at me." The bride threw the bouquet and everybody heaved themselves away from it. Dolly's cousin reached out for it at the last possible second - and she only did it because it would have looked bad for the bride if it'd hit the floor completely. The poor thing didn't look very pleased at all that she'd had to catch it and spent many minutes after muttering that the bouquet had in fact, landed in front of Dolly.

After the shenanigans, everyone sat around a table and drank chrysathenum tea from packets. Just as Dolly was thinking that the pressure was off, the groom's grandmother cosied herself into the seat next to Dolly's mother. "So, when's it going to be your turn?" she asked Dolly, wily glint in the eye. 82-year-old grandmothers can look surprisingly alert when they want to be. Dolly shook her head, while mother explained that Dolly had no marriage intentions. "She doesn't want to get married," she said. "She's quite happy to just 'live together.'" (Dolly's mother is understanding and jovial, bless her).

"Not get married?!" huffed the grandmother. "Live together and not get married? There's no such thing!" The poor thing looked horrified; it was something most unheard of. She tutted quite in shock at the notion as Dolly chortled quietly into her packet drink.

And the finale: the grand ballroom wedding in the evening at which the question was again posited several hundred times over by the curious marrieds. Several variations on the question, in fact: "When it is your turn?" "When's is your big day?" "So? When will we see you up there?"

By the end of the day, as Dolly rolled back home - still unmarried, still single - she felt she had to concur with what the boy had uttered a few days back: Married people suck.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

BLACK: Granny pants 

A girl is often faced the prospect of having fabulous, mind-blowing, incredibly desirable sex but knows she shouldn't, or can't, or most definintely won't for various reasons. It is essential thus, that one takes the necessary measures not to have sex (sad. Dolly never thought she'd say this).

While it is more often the case that you doll up and look your sexiest best for potential boys-and-sex, in this case it is best to do quite the opposite. Make the effort, rather, to look so frightful even you wouldn't dream of sleeping with you. It keeps you out of trouble that way, and ensures you won't sleep with the wrong, ahem, decision.

Hence, tips for staying chaste:

- take a leaf out of Bridget Jones' diary and wear granny pants - you'll be so undesirable to yourself, and so embarrased as to never even tilt your cheeks up for a kiss.
- leave pubic hairs and bikini lines unruly and untrimmed
- never bother with perfume or anything that will stir anyone else's lusty loins
- be entirely unflattering to yourself: don your baggiest wardrobe, leave stray eyebrow hairs, pick your spots
- appear as asexual and disinterested in sex as you possibly can. Speak only of undesirable things like ghosts and your ingrown toenails
- repeatedly say things that make it obvious you can't have sex right now: mention boyfriends, that abstinence vow you took at church, the fact that you still live at home and the walls are porous, the bad menstrual cramps you're having now.

Oh dear, this is all very sad - What has it come to? Dolly plotting how not to have sex? Tsk! T'is a complicated story but in the meantime, Dolly is being good.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

BROWN: Poop 

It must be a universal truth, written down somewhere that one of men's greatest pleasures is taking a dump. (And this refers to men as is men, not men as in mankind). It has never failed to amuse that almost every man that Dolly has known will have, at some point or other, shared the extreme satisfaction of just having had the biggest shit in the world this morning/afternoon/last night.

Dolly's friend came round last night after dinner and proclaimed loudly, "After I saw you for lunch just now, I went home and took the best dump." Few months back, after she had said hello on MSN, he replied with, "I just had the biggest shit. I dunno where it came from, it came out of nowhere but felt so good!" Second to blowjobs, which he also talks about on a continuous basis, shitting really is, believes Dolly, one of his most treasured forms of pleasure.

And so, a slight alteration to the old saying: The way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and then out of it. Should you invite your favourite boy to stay the night after a hearty dinner, ensure your toilets are comfy and there is plenty of good quality loo roll.
Words to be intelligent (pretentious) with

1) use juxtapose whenever you're comparing two things
2) serendipitous (to mean happy)
3) Dionysian, Medean, Platean (or reference to anything Greek)
4) diaspora (to talk of immigration)
5) facetious (to mean sarcastic)
6) ostentatious (...when all you really want to say is 'ugly')
7) ubiquitous (Dolly read a food review that referred to "the ubiquitous cheesecake" - so utterly ridiculous, she had to quote it here)
8) refer to everything as postmodern
9) discuss the nuances of everything
10) foreign words - (say, "Oh, I can't think of the word right this instant, but the French have an expression for it that goes.....")

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

RED: Surprises 

Cheap thrill: Realising that a boy with a quiet demeanour who looks thin and ordinary is actually rather too-desirable in the right tshirt, and with arms splendid enough to eat.

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