Monday, May 30, 2005
Sunday, May 29, 2005
Dolly turned to the only other girl, the Tooth Fairy, at the table and said, "Okay, well here's a girly version of one of these jokes. It goes, 'What do you call that little bit of skin at the end of a penis?'"
Dolly and the Tooth Fairy roared loudly and rowdily, sputtering brownie sundae all over the table. Even Dolly, who's told the joke hundreds of times still finds it completely funny and laughed all over again like it was the first time she'd heard it.
The boys looked most unimpressed and seemed unable to see anything funny about it at all - a reaction which, Dolly would like to point out, is the same of all men she's relayed the joke to. Bless.
Monday, May 23, 2005
It turns out that he'd lost 10kgs in 4 months. Dolly was all incredulous and very jealous indeed. she spend the weekend plying him for diet tips. "How, how, how did you do it?" He shrugged in that sort of annoying knowing way that boys do and said that he cut down to two meals a day and started to eat more healthy Japanese food. Also, he cut out sugar from his drinks; now it's only Nutrasweet tabs and Diet Cokes. No mention of any exercise.
This doesn't help Dolly in any way - she only ever eats two meals a day anyway, doesn't drink anything sugary or fizzy and works herself to a near death four times a week at the gym. And she's hasn't lost any weight in years.
She moaned about this to her dear friend The Little Diva whose husband once lost 6kgs in a week just from running 20 minutes a day. "If there's one thing you must never do, it's to try losing weight with your partner," she reminds Dolly over and over again over La Risata lunches. "Men lose weight so fast, so they lose all the weight very quickly and get fit very quicky. Then because you get depressed from seeing them lose all the weight, you start eating more as a comfort thing. And after three months from when you started, you're still fat."
Ho. Dolly is find ways to add lard and crush weight gain supplements into his food as a way of fattening him back to before.
Saturday, May 21, 2005
Thing is, these B (even C) list celebrities aren't ever as blown out of proportion as much as Brad and Jude and Orlando because the tabloids and gossip rags don't really find it worth their time to make up stupid stories about them, or trail them to find what brand of soap they use. It would be naive of course to think that what you see of them on TV is what you get... but they do at least have the chance to keep one foot on the ground, as opposed to being elevated to the heights of gods or demoted to the hells of unlikeable demons. And that way, it's easier to imagine them into your life, if say, you were to run away and marry one of them!
Dolly has taken on an unhealthy obsession with The Apprentice, mostly because she is decidedly in love with that Kelly man (what? you thought it was because she had high aspirations of the joining the corporate world? pffft!) . It was love at first sight darlings! straight off a Mills and Boons. See, he's enough of a celebrity to make you blush and want to touch his hand, but not too much to distract from the question at hand, which is that he's very clever indeed, good at all that complicated wealthy corporate work stuff and has a body built for war. And he's not just a pretty face, styled for front covers of Style magazine or GQ. He's got a proper job too, aye! something to do with buildings. It sounds impressive enough.
Today, the last episode of Season Two, on which Kelly is hired was showing on 8TV; Dolly was called away to lunch so she put the show on record. She was dismayed, distraught!!! when, upon checking the tape later in the afternoon, discovered that it hadn't recorded properly. Sesame Street had found its way onto the tape instead. Big Bird has never been so horribly irritating.
A most distressing afternoon.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Anyway, some way through the conversation, when Dolly started getting restless and fidgeting, someone shouted from across the room, "Oi! If you don't behave, we'll make you have sex with Dharmaboy." Dolly felt her face get terribly warm and tried very hard not to look around. She thought, "Oh, you have no idea!!"
But perhaps the worse part of it all was that Dharmaboy choked on his drink upon hearing it. Everybody noticed and bent over in half laughing.
You see, it's bad enough that Dolly hasn't been getting any of late; it is so much the worse when the proposition of sex with her makes someone else choke on his own breath. Dolly thought perhaps there was chance that he was actually thrilled at the idea and couldn't contain his excitement. A big voice in her head told her in a big way that this was just big wishful thinking. So much for fantasy then, when in reality you're just making people asphyxiate!
Monday, May 16, 2005
Interestingly, Dolly's friend, Blondie, once commented that people are never interested to hear about your personal achievements. "I get distinctions for every paper, of if I get my Masters, or if I got onto the national team for volleyball, nobody says anything; then when I write in an email about some guy I might be seeing, everyone writes back: 'who's this guy? where did you meet him? where's he from? what's he like?'"
Seems we haven't quite moved away from the 19th century where a girl's best and most attention-worthy achievements are the "boy-of-the-day". It is a matter of concern for everyone, particularly in this part of the world, where everything is everyone's business. (In a place where people take it upon themselves to comment regularly on your weight, it seems almost natural that your marital status should be of grand importance.)
Anyway, after much rolling of eyes and exchanging of woes, TBG and Dolly concluded that there are three standard responses to "the boyfriend question":
1)Often, when the question was asked and Dolly replied "no boyfriend," they would cluck sympathetically and then say with forced joviality, "Don't worry, there's bound to be someone out there for you. He's out there!" Note that this response is never limited to the older generation. Dolly's friends, the same age as her, all share this same little bit of cheery wisdom in attempts to reassure away the prospect of old-maidenhood. Most condescending. Dolly doesn't quite like what it suggests about single girls not being good enough on their own and that they should anticipate the arrival of this other half "out there!" for them.
2) Notice too, the association that people make between looks and having-a-boyfriend. Comments like, for example: "Aiyoh. She's so pretty and still don't have boyfriend", followed by sighs, or "But you're so preeeetty. Must be so easy for you to get boyfriends what!" It's quite funny really, that candid assumption that good fulfilling relationships happen easier if you're beautiful. It suggests that, "It's ok darling. You're beautiful. You'll get someone. Nevermind your personality or intelligence. You're pretty. It'll do." Does it work the other way, wonders Dolly? Do people stand around and say, "Aiyaaa what do you expect? She's so ugly what. Of course cannot get boyfriend!"
3) TBG has also been told that in order to get a relationship she has to "lower her expectations," as if settling for less is all it takes and that settling for something you don't quite want is better than being single. Considering you'd sort of expect a significant fulfilling relationship to last quite some time, you'd think you wouldn't just "settle for any old guy"... but try telling that to the relationship gurus.
And don't think the questions end when you're attached. It moves up a grade and now there are "marriage questions." But that's another story for another day. That's why Dolly now surrounds herself with beautiful gay friends whose mottos are quite the opposite. "Didn't I teach you anything Darling?!" cried Honeytom when she told him she was still with the boy. "Relationships should never last more than a night!" Not all gay men think this way of course - Dolly doesn't want to stereotype - but Dolly just finds all the ones who do! Makes life much easier.
Friday, May 13, 2005
To top that, it's been a tiring week involving long trips to Putrajaya and children. Wednesday was spent babysitting a friend's two kids, aged 8 and 4 - and everybody knows how much Dolly can't stand children. These two were actually quite well behaved and charming enough for children but Dolly just doesn't have the patience for the incessant questions that children have. "What is that? Why do you have it? Why did you buy it? Where did you get it from? Can I see it? Why does it look like that? Oh, what's that thing up there? Why do you have it? What is it for? ... "
There are people who are good with children, who actually enjoy talking to them. Dolly admires them for their tireless patience because she hasn't a shred of skill in dealing with the under 12s. The fact is, she really doesn't care and finds it very easy to ignore them or walk out of the room and abandon them. The only thing she was slightly concerned about was whether or not their prying fingers would open drawers and find condoms and pink dildos - imagine of the questions that would follow that discovery and bear in mind that all 8-year-old girls love pink things...
Under the veneer of cuteness, the 8-year-old (who is actually beautiful and Dolly hates her because she will grow up to be more stunning than Dolly could ever hope to me) turned out to be quite the demanding must-have-it-my-way-NOW little madam. Her trick for getting what she wants is, apparently, to force her face in front of her victim's and bat her eyelids ferociously. The 8-year-old that she believes this to be endearing and irresistible; Dolly thinks she deserves a slap for every bat of the eyelid, for being so high maintenance when she hasn't even hit her teens. There's a very fine line between being lovable and being just plain irritating... but try telling that to kids!
Still, there's something to be learnt from every experience. In this case, the five (very long) hours of answering neverending questions having to mock-laugh at things that really aren't funny unless you're 8 has given Dolly a much deeper appreciation for the wo/man-who-discovered-the-pill.
Thank god for contraception. Amen.
Monday, May 09, 2005
Dolly chuckled and was reminded of her own experiences back at uni. When she first started going out with this boy, AA, he had only just dumped his ex, Big Curly (she had enormous hair), a week ago. (His fickleness should have been a warning sign to stay away perhaps but you don't tend to think of these things when you think a boy is cute). The night after they first pulled, they went out to dinner where they would bump into Big Curly. She was in red, glaring like a traffic light and furiously het up as she stormed over and demanded to talk to AA.
Big Curly never spoke to Dolly, but it was traumatising enough as a first day, first date experience. AA and Dolly didn't work out and split after about a month but campus was small and Big Curly would always be just around the corner. She would continue to frighten Dolly for the next year which she mentioned jokingly to AA one day in French class. "You know Big Curly, she's terrifying! She still keeps giving me evils," to which AA snorted a sort of amused response.
A year later, Dolly ended up talking to a drunken Big Curly - scuzzy college bars have a way of creating intimate bonds between strangers. They would each discover that they had been terrified of the other (though why anyone would find Dolly frightening is beyond her) and that they had both told AA how scary they thought the other was.
"Ahah!" slurred Big Curly. "He's been playing us off each other and keeping us scared, to keep the upper hand."
They decided, over the bonding of vodka, that it would be fun to turn up at AA's house together . They bounded over, rang his doorbell and screamed, "Guess what?! We're friends!" when he answered the door. They settled cosily into his bedroom after ordering pizza and watched him squirm in his chair. He looked a bit ill and kept shaking his head - it wasn't even like he'd done anything that bad, like cheat on either girl, but he still looked worried enough.
"It's like someone photoshopped you two into the same picture," he mumbled when Dolly said chirpily, "Are you alright?!?! Don't worreeeeee. We're friends now."
After that, Big Curly walked home with Dolly since they lived in the same area and bitched all the way back about AA. It seemed a little bit evil, like they were in cahoots to ruin his (admittedly) fabulous reputation among the many, many girls who couldn't wait to sleep with him. It didn't work - he still got all the girls - but Big Curly and Dolly had the satisfaction of letting AA know they had figured him out.
Watching a boy squirm - it's always worth it.
Sunday, May 08, 2005
One day, she asked Dolly who paid for the meals when they went out for dinner. Dolly said they took turns to pay when they were out, to which she almost choked on her own horrified expression. She is also the sort that finds it strange that Dolly and her boy don't buy each other things for Valentines' day or that the boy didn't pile presents on her for their anniversary (they had both, in fact, quite forgotten about it until a few days after).
Once, she told me, she shouted at her boyfriend when he offered to buy her a Zara shirt she had her eye on "since it was her birthday that day." She got mad and promptly told him she "didn't want him to buy her presents just because it was her birthday; if he wanted to buy her a present, he should just do it anyway, whether it was her birthday or not." Dolly just nodded her head politely, because that's all you can do with people like this - they can't understand otherwise.
She wouldn't be able to understand, either, the things that Dolly finds most precious in a relationship. Things like: the other day the boy told Dolly that if they were ever to go paintballing together, "You'd have to be on my team so that I won't have to shoot at you." And that means a great deal more than any old diamond ring, or him paying all the dinners bills. Shan't bother telling Miss Prim that though - in the first place, she'd wonder why they were out doing something quite so "unromantic" instead of hanging about Zara with his credit cards.
PS: Dolly has no sympathy for Miss Prim's boy, or any other boys who get themselves stuck in a relationship like that. She is of the opinion that they bring it all on themselves and there is little to be respected in boys who allowed themselves be stepped on by tacky Nine West high heels they've probably been forced into paying for.
Dolly grimaced, to which X said, "Oh well, what you gonna do about it anyway?"
"Yah yah, I know, I know. The thing is you know they're always gonna be around and you can't do anything about it but it still just doesn't stop being gross," said Dolly, and smirked to herself.
Even X, who's a very open-minded little girl couldn't dispute that and laughed evilly in agreement into her steering wheel.
Saturday, May 07, 2005
Dolly heard a story the other day about a friend’s housemate who threw up after watching porn. Dolly thought perhaps it was one of those terribly graphic ones featuring any and everything out of the usual vanilla norm.
No, no. It was "just the usual normal boring sort", her friend assured her.
Ah, well, surely it must've be something dodgy she'd eaten then. An ill stomach playing up?
No, no. It was just the porn.
Poor thing. To be traumatised over sex - oh my! How does she cope with the real thing?... (if at all)
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Why that should be such a bad thing Dolly can't understand. Barbie knows how to have fun, has pretty clothes and is always in bliss. Perhaps she's actually an enlightened being and we should all aspire to be her.
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
A few hours before, Dolly was on the phone having a deep discussion about religion. You know you've reached a whole new level in a relationship when you start discussing the origins of the Crusades, interpretations of the Qu'ran and the significance of joss sticks. The conclusion was that, ultimately, the Buddhist and Hindus ruled the religious roost for not declaring big wars on other people and being content with hanging out at their colourful temples.
After, a tense dissection of the ins and outs of religious fundamentalists and why people interpreted religion the way they did, the arrival at this happy conclusion about the Hindus was rather like an orgasm. Afterward, Dolly was exhausted and dizzy in a way that she never is after sex.
Monday, May 02, 2005
But anyway, she's going to join salsa classes with the boy when he gets up to KL. Dolly and the boy have divergent interests and salsa has been one of the only things they've both agreed on. Normally they disagree on everything from what bathroom fittings look best to which country they would most like to travel to. Opposites really do attract but it poses a problem when you can't find common ground for hanging out and having fun (and you can't just be eating, sleeping and having sex all the time). It's quite exciting to have finally found something in common.
Anyway, the boy has already got a headstart and is relearning the full range of his hip movement now by sashying about his living room. And meanwhile, Dolly's sussed out the best place to learn salsa in KL ('best' because it's 5 minutes from her favourite mamak and supper is always essential), and put her frilly, twirling skirts in order. She will have to get the choreography bit in her head slightly sorted soon though or may end up stepping on rather a lot of toes. It may scare off the boy and/or sore toes may make either of them lose interest, and then they're back at square one with nothing to do.
Actually, she must confess that the biggest draw of this whole salsa thing is being able to hang out at Spanishy places to drink sangria and eat tapas. When she gets good enough, she'll throw a little salsa party where everyone must come dressed in red and carrying bottles of wine in baskets. And they shall twiiiiiirl until the sun comes up.
Sunday, May 01, 2005
Dolly answers: Hello?
Annoying Malaysian (A.M.): Hello. What are you doing? [or] Eh, where are you?
Dolly fails to understand why it is at all necessary to start a conversation like this. What is it to you? she wants to know, and why is it so important that you know what she is doing or where she is at at that precise moment? The fact is, even her own dear (rather protective, anxious) parents and far-away boyfriend don't ring her up and ask what she's doing so why it should matter so much to everyone else in Malaysia remains a fact quite elusive to her. It is intrusive, invasive and goddamn bloody irritating to have your privacy nosed upon every time you answer the phone (and people wonder why she often doesn't answer it). More horrifyingly, this has become such an integral part of phone conversations that Dolly is now starting to find herself asking the same questions to people she has on the phone. She cringes at herself and feels incredible disgust at the slip.
Apparently, as it has been pointed out to her, these two questions is just the Malaysian way of asking after you and your well-being. What was wrong with, "How's it going?" or good old "How are you?" Why did it have to morph into the specifics of your whereabouts and activity? You see, it isn't just a one-off question like "How are you?" is. The conversation continues:
A.M: Where are you?
Dolly: I'm out [she refuses to answer trite questions properly]
A.M.: Yah, where are you?
Dolly: Out lah
A.M.: Yalah, but where are you going? What are you doing? Who's there with you?
A.M.: So what are you going to do now? [or] Where are you going after this?
ad nauseum until they ascertain exactly what you're up to, who you're with and your plans for the rest of the day.
Dolly acknowledges that these questions do need to be asked in certain circumstances, but only in the right context and reworded to sound much less intrusive. For example, you might ask "Are you too busy to talk right now?" instead of "Oi. What are you doing?" And the question "Where are you?" should only be asked if relevant to what you will say next. If you're giving directions ("Where are you now?... Ok keep driving straight, it's at the end of the road...), the other person is incredibly late for something ("Where the fuck are you? I've been waiting for an hour!") or you're trying to find someone ("Where are you? Upstairs or downstairs at Zouk?")
Note that this is not the same as ringing up a friend who you haven't spoken to in a long time and asking, "What have you been up to?" This is more general and indicates an interest in the other person's general (good/bad) news and/or well-being. It is more a way of conversation that will eventually spark off a discussion on what both parties have been doing since they last spoke. It is quite different from ringing someone up and asking them what they are doing right now for no other reason than because you are unable to appreciate the concept of respecting personal space.
Asking "What are you doing?" "Where are you?" or any variation of the two just because you want to know whenever you feel like ringing is just irritating. Quite frankly, it's none of your bloody business and Dolly doesn't have to explain what she's doing and where she is everytime she answers your call. If you have something to say, say it. Don't waste her time by ringing up just to find out what she's doing with her time or which jalan she happens to be traversing.
So, if you do, in fact, have the good fortune of having Dolly in your phonebook and are still stupid enough to ring up and ask her these irrelevant questions after reading this, be quite prepared to be hung up on.